i've always wanted to keep my mind set on school, have a passion for music and people and having a good time after, but making sure i spend a lot of time working for the long run. i have my heart set on goals that i'm never going to achieve i've had my mind blocking me off with boundries from what i don't think i should do and i've had enough, i've broken both of those and part of me i think has given up. i can't cope with stress and the pressure telling me i'll do great in anything i can put my mind to, because i can't! i will only ever do my best in anything and i do, i honestly do but my goals have become so low recently i just don't see the point in having some of them.
it's as if my mind doesn't have a concentrate button, it doesn't want to focus on 'important things', well things that are supposed to be important. important to me is, trying hard, music+guitar, being happy, family+friends and being successful? scratch the last one, it might never happen. but if i stood up in my class and announced that, i don't really give a fuck about half the lessons i do i think i'd be lined up and shot. it's not that i could never be bothered, it's that i'm sick of trying so hard to do my best in all of the subjects i do and getting no credit for it and still getting the same grades i did when i didn't try at all.
the only thing i feel like doing right now is play my acoustic, doing my nails in front of the television, going for a shower and then putting on a film and sitting in bed. apparently mocks don't allow you to do that and i've got another five days of them, i've had three exams for fucks sake i feel like i've been doing them for at least a week! i'm going to be at about ten so i can get enough sleep to wake up at eight the next day, i would say i need to sort out my life, but i don't think i do. i fucking love my life right now, (minus the exams) and i feel like everything else needs to just adjust to what i want for this one time. i've had enough shit from 2009 to take me into this year and i know years will never be fully perfect but please, cut me some slack. i'm fifteen for fucks sake.
on a slightly more positive note, or negative note. if you've ever felt this i guess you'll understand;
i'm ecstatic right now, but i just can't stop to think this is some how a joke or just isn't real. maybe with everything that's gone on it's finally my turn to have something? i was going to write "something good" but i get so much, it's not that what i get isn't good enough it's just everything i would like is so much different and you can't replace some of them with the things i do get.
i think, if i'm lucky enough to pass some of these mocks then the moment i put my pen down next tuesday i'm going to feel like things are back on track.