you need to stop being so immaure, you think this hurts? you have no idea what that means! when you stop telling me, "you're a cunt" and thinking everything's going to work out okay because you have already appologised i'll help you again. hell, i tried to help you last night and i think i partially regret that already. you said it would take you a long time to trust me again when i hadn't done anything to you? you better count yourself fucking lucky honey.
i'm really looking forward to having ilya round tonight, i'm in desperate need of getting dressed up to go out for dinner and then having my best friend round (:
you know, i thought i'd jinxed half of this shit a while back, but i'm just going to let his happen and see where it goes. eeek, i feel all smiley <3

is it wrong that i would kill to look like silver from 90210? she's just gorgeous.
90210 is a stereotypical programme full of beautiful people leading glamerous lives and only caring baout who they sleep with, but it draws me in so much and i'm genuinely addicted to this programme.
i really need to get out more.

for the past three months i've been so negative and pessimistic, i was never usually like that but given the events i think i'm going to stay this way because it's stopping me from getting hurt and i haven't been angry since Christmas, which i think is a good thing for me (:
everything happens for a reason, like it or not and as cliche as it sounds i believe that. if something isn't supposed to happen then it won't and you just need to let it go.
with this in mind, i feel so happy right now. i don't feel like a complete wanker for once, i don't feel the need to change myself for everyone else to be happy. i don't think this has ever happened, i don't feel the need to recite lyrics that explain how i feel, i don't need to let things out to someone and i don't need to just scream because i'm angry. i think only i know how different this is, it's not that i'm acting differently but the way i'm thinking and the things that i'm thinking about are making me feel like such a good person.
after this long, i'm actually really happy.

i've always wanted to keep my mind set on school, have a passion for music and people and having a good time after, but making sure i spend a lot of time working for the long run. i have my heart set on goals that i'm never going to achieve i've had my mind blocking me off with boundries from what i don't think i should do and i've had enough, i've broken both of those and part of me i think has given up. i can't cope with stress and the pressure telling me i'll do great in anything i can put my mind to, because i can't! i will only ever do my best in anything and i do, i honestly do but my goals have become so low recently i just don't see the point in having some of them.
it's as if my mind doesn't have a concentrate button, it doesn't want to focus on 'important things', well things that are supposed to be important. important to me is, trying hard, music+guitar, being happy, family+friends and being successful? scratch the last one, it might never happen. but if i stood up in my class and announced that, i don't really give a fuck about half the lessons i do i think i'd be lined up and shot. it's not that i could never be bothered, it's that i'm sick of trying so hard to do my best in all of the subjects i do and getting no credit for it and still getting the same grades i did when i didn't try at all.
the only thing i feel like doing right now is play my acoustic, doing my nails in front of the television, going for a shower and then putting on a film and sitting in bed. apparently mocks don't allow you to do that and i've got another five days of them, i've had three exams for fucks sake i feel like i've been doing them for at least a week! i'm going to be at about ten so i can get enough sleep to wake up at eight the next day, i would say i need to sort out my life, but i don't think i do. i fucking love my life right now, (minus the exams) and i feel like everything else needs to just adjust to what i want for this one time. i've had enough shit from 2009 to take me into this year and i know years will never be fully perfect but please, cut me some slack. i'm fifteen for fucks sake.
on a slightly more positive note, or negative note. if you've ever felt this i guess you'll understand;
i'm ecstatic right now, but i just can't stop to think this is some how a joke or just isn't real. maybe with everything that's gone on it's finally my turn to have something? i was going to write "something good" but i get so much, it's not that what i get isn't good enough it's just everything i would like is so much different and you can't replace some of them with the things i do get.
i think, if i'm lucky enough to pass some of these mocks then the moment i put my pen down next tuesday i'm going to feel like things are back on track.

my best is never going to be good enough, and i'm never going to be okay with that.

what are feelings without emotions?

i think it's impossible to fall in love at fifteen or sixteen, you haven't experienced the world or new people how can you think your in love with someone when you still need to meet half the population? i say this, and i've never felt anything even remotely close.
yes, i may love you but i'm not in love with you.

after one day with you i feel like everything has changed, i've suddenly managed to forget about the recent past and the even more recent past and i don't know how you have the ability to make me do that but i'm grateful. you've managed to cause me to have you on my mind more than i should, and for this you should apologize.

2009

i don't think you can have a shit year, i gurantee shit will happen but with the bad comes the good right? 2009 was another year of change, if someone told me before 2007 that things would going to change i wouldn't have believed them and i think the same goes for 2009. i think people have grown more as people, become slightly maturer and been able to handle situations alot more comfortably. minus the odd exception of course.
i want to finish this year with getting dressed up, going out with my friends and having too much to drink to forget about anything i've been upset about this year for one night and have fun.
i'm inevitably staying in with my family, i don't there for see the point in getting dressed up or even getting out of my trackies i've been wearing since christmas eve. i feel like i've lost a weeks' worth of sleep due to being ill or just staying up late 'because i can', either way if either of my parents wake me up with the reason being that i'm 'wasting the day' i'll scream in their face and go sleep and someone elses house.
end of rant, end of 2009, happy new years, make it a good one.